Defining Love ~ The Ending of a Relationship
Today I write about a blog in consideration of what I learned about Love in my recent ending of a three year relationship....
In my own process of self-inquiry, self-reflection and taking responsibility for my own feelings, thoughts and behaviors. I have discovered amazing insight into my own unconscious beliefs about Love.
The Beginning: I met him online and slowly we started to get to know one another. Not spending much time with one another, going slow. During this time, I listened to his experiences and words... I chose to unconsciously see him the way I wanted him to "Be" for me. In other words, I took some of what he told me...some of what I wanted to see in him and the rest I made up to fit him into the person I wanted to Believe he was. All unconsciously... up until now.
Part of my story is that I always look to see the best in others; we are all intrinsically good at our core. And do to my belief I can look past others short comings, as no one is perfect. I have also discovered in this relationship that this very belief - for me- is trauma based. When you suffer from trauma the lens of perception is distorted with a veil of what behaviors you accept and tolerate from others particularly in intimate relationships. To be very clear... Short comings are not defined as manipulation, mind games, gaslighting and selective memory loss. Let me say that again: These are behaviors that are not short comings.
During this time I was in my own recovery of traumatic experiences, unconsciously I didn’t
recognize the behaviors as emotional abuse, being taken advantage of and not appreciated.
I continued to be Loving and accepting all the while discovering, growing emotionally, and evolving. I continued to heal, finding my voice, my truth and expressing it in the relationship. All that I am and all that I expressed went unheard, unappreciated and not validated in anyway. A rerun of the past trauma- as I began to real-eyes this I chose to use this relationship as a mirror to my own wounded-ness and healing.
There was much growth and realizations I experienced. There was always a part of me that was intuitively showing me the Truth all along; a subtle voice within, soft and unimposing... and the force of conditioning kept me in the “fantasy” of a perceived version of my partner and the relationship.
Until I became more aware of the different aspects of myself and what was underneath them. A distinction between the “story” I was telling myself and the feelings that I was experiencing being in
this circumstance. It was in the midst of the experience to staying in the relationship that I was able to see with real- eyes how I was recreating this type of relationship. My lens of perception was one of deception...
As I said in the beginning of the blog, I chose to perceive him as I wanted him to be, who I believed he was... the revelation is: I distorted the truth of who he really was- to fit what I wanted him to Be for me. There were many times I judged myself for staying in it, or asked what is it about me that I’m here ..again? I should have...could have.. though looking back; I did exactly what was best for me at any given time during the course of the time I spent in-it. It was necessary...to gain Self Love, to heal, come to appreciation and validation of the woman I am and Becoming.
Conclusion: What is the biggest take-away? To Stay present, in the moment with someone you are getting to know. Stay connected to yourself and aware of your energy and theirs. Take notice of their words and how they treat themselves and others. Through this awareness you will discover how they will Love You; this is the moment you decide if they can Love you in the way you need to be loved. Then take the necessary action, to let them go or move forward in learning, growing and becoming more of the expression of the Love that is apparent. One of my favorite quotes is by Maya Angelou, "When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time."
In closing... Life truly brings us what we require to Becoming the true nature of our being. It is always for us, even when it is uncomfortable. You're evolving be gentle with yourself.
In my own process of self-inquiry, self-reflection and taking responsibility for my own feelings, thoughts and behaviors. I have discovered amazing insight into my own unconscious beliefs about Love.
The Beginning: I met him online and slowly we started to get to know one another. Not spending much time with one another, going slow. During this time, I listened to his experiences and words... I chose to unconsciously see him the way I wanted him to "Be" for me. In other words, I took some of what he told me...some of what I wanted to see in him and the rest I made up to fit him into the person I wanted to Believe he was. All unconsciously... up until now.
Part of my story is that I always look to see the best in others; we are all intrinsically good at our core. And do to my belief I can look past others short comings, as no one is perfect. I have also discovered in this relationship that this very belief - for me- is trauma based. When you suffer from trauma the lens of perception is distorted with a veil of what behaviors you accept and tolerate from others particularly in intimate relationships. To be very clear... Short comings are not defined as manipulation, mind games, gaslighting and selective memory loss. Let me say that again: These are behaviors that are not short comings.
During this time I was in my own recovery of traumatic experiences, unconsciously I didn’t
recognize the behaviors as emotional abuse, being taken advantage of and not appreciated.
I continued to be Loving and accepting all the while discovering, growing emotionally, and evolving. I continued to heal, finding my voice, my truth and expressing it in the relationship. All that I am and all that I expressed went unheard, unappreciated and not validated in anyway. A rerun of the past trauma- as I began to real-eyes this I chose to use this relationship as a mirror to my own wounded-ness and healing.
There was much growth and realizations I experienced. There was always a part of me that was intuitively showing me the Truth all along; a subtle voice within, soft and unimposing... and the force of conditioning kept me in the “fantasy” of a perceived version of my partner and the relationship.
Until I became more aware of the different aspects of myself and what was underneath them. A distinction between the “story” I was telling myself and the feelings that I was experiencing being in
this circumstance. It was in the midst of the experience to staying in the relationship that I was able to see with real- eyes how I was recreating this type of relationship. My lens of perception was one of deception...
As I said in the beginning of the blog, I chose to perceive him as I wanted him to be, who I believed he was... the revelation is: I distorted the truth of who he really was- to fit what I wanted him to Be for me. There were many times I judged myself for staying in it, or asked what is it about me that I’m here ..again? I should have...could have.. though looking back; I did exactly what was best for me at any given time during the course of the time I spent in-it. It was necessary...to gain Self Love, to heal, come to appreciation and validation of the woman I am and Becoming.
Conclusion: What is the biggest take-away? To Stay present, in the moment with someone you are getting to know. Stay connected to yourself and aware of your energy and theirs. Take notice of their words and how they treat themselves and others. Through this awareness you will discover how they will Love You; this is the moment you decide if they can Love you in the way you need to be loved. Then take the necessary action, to let them go or move forward in learning, growing and becoming more of the expression of the Love that is apparent. One of my favorite quotes is by Maya Angelou, "When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time."In closing... Life truly brings us what we require to Becoming the true nature of our being. It is always for us, even when it is uncomfortable. You're evolving be gentle with yourself.
This is so spot on I have been in the same situation, with friendships, and have realized the same things you ve mentioned The fact that you have written it makes me feel less alone Thank you- Teresa
ReplyDeleteYou’re welcome. Thank you for sharing this. Yes you are not alone in this, with awareness of this it puts you at choice. ♥️
ReplyDeleteThank you for bringing this to light. Not only do we distort the truth in romantic relationships we can also distort the truth in friendships without even realizing it.
ReplyDeleteYou're welcome. Very true; all our relationships are being viewed by our own lens of perception. Self inquiry, self reflection is the best way to empower ourselves in changing that lens.
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